Demetri Martin schools us on vegan vocab!  »

You guys! Demetri Martin defines “Strict Vegetarian” for us: “That’s someone who eats only fruits and vegetables that have been disciplined in some way—like, for example, corn that was grown in a perfect row, or grapes that were stomped by someone in uniform.”

Finally! We know what a strict vegetarian is! I’m sure it counts for “strict vegan” too. If you don’t know who Demetri Martin is, you are probably over 25. Well, Old Person, he’s a hilarious comedian! And we’re kind of lovers because I saw him at a comedy show once and I told him he was funny and he said “thanks” and I ran away. What I’m trying to say is yes, I’m pregnant with his baby (at least I think it’s his baby. Fingers crossed!). As the mother of (maybe) his child, you can imagine I was a little hurt he didn’t give me first dibs on this exclusive but I guess this will do: Esquire has posted an excerpt from Martin’s book, This Is a Book.

What’s more, the excerpt is for some reason all about vegans and raw food and whatnot! This is my favorite diet phase he enters: “Then I decided to eat only raw foods that had the letters from the word ‘vegan’ in their name (like ‘agave’). I was, at that point, what they call a ‘Literal Vegan’ (a vegan whose diet is based on wordplay).”

See, he’s funny. I like that for his book, he probably just sat down and shat onto a page and then Random House was all, “HERE’S A MILLION-DOLLAR ADVANCE AND SEVEN GIRLS IN TOMS SHOES.” Ugh, our lives are so very different! And by different, I mean his life is considerably better! Large-nosed-white-men-who-tell-jokes-in-the-style-of-Mitch-Hedberg-but-who-aren’t-quite-as-funny-as-Mitch-Hedberg-RIP, I salute you. You have really “gotten one over” on America. Good job, dudes!

Now, buy his book so all the underrated white men in comedy can finally get their day in the sun!


Wordspy’s lessons in vegan vocabulary!  »

Hey young world, my pal Kev showed me this site Wordspy, “a Word Lover’s Guide to New Words,” because he knows I love the words. I’m into it! I thought I might see if they have any vegan-related terms, and do they ever! For your enjoyment, I bring you the latest and greatest in veggie vocab!

Ape diet: A vegetarian diet that emphasizes soy protein, soluble fiber, nuts, and leafy green vegetables.
Ethical eater
: A person who only or mostly eats food that meets certain ethical guidelines, particularly organically grown food and humanely raised meat, poultry, and fish.
: A person who eats a mostly vegetarian diet, but who is also willing to eat meat or fish occasionally.
: A person, usually a vegan, who consumes only food that is obtained by foraging, most often in the garbages of restaurants, grocery stores, and other retailers.
: A person who eats whatever he or she can find, particularly food that has been discarded.
: A person who supplements a vegetarian diet with fish. —adj. Also: piscetarian.
retro defiance
: Hostility towards current ideas about healthy living, which includes a return to allegedly non-healthy activities such as smoking cigars, drinking martinis, and eating steak.
Slow Food
: An agricultural and gastronomic movement that emphasizes traditional, organic growing methods and the appreciation of fine food and wine.
: Tofu molded into the shape of a turkey. Also: Tofurky. [It’s a brand, and it hasn’t got an “e” in it. Bad call, wordspy.]
: A person who eats a vegan diet before 6 p.m., and then whatever they want after that. (From the phrase “vegan before 6.”)
vegangelical: An extremely zealous vegan who is eager to make other people believe in and convert to veganism. (Blend of vegan and evangelical.)
vegivore: A person who craves or has a special fondness for vegetables. Also: vegevore.
victimless meat: Meat grown from a tissue culture.

OK, who’s got more?! This is fun! At least for me! And word nerds like myself! Here! I just made up another! Off the top of the dome:
: Someone who won’t stop talking about how much they just love cheese and bacon: BORING!

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