Review: XOX Truffles! »
I was given a box of truffles from XOX for my birthday last year and fuck me if I haven’t been hooked on these amazing bite sized bonbons since. The vegan flavors are Dark Chocolate, Orange, and Noisette (Hazelnut! in French!). They are rich and creamy and they literally MELT IN YOUR MOUTH. AND ALSO IN YOUR HAND. BE CAREFUL. Just thinking about these things, my mouth waters. And I’m not even really a chocolate person. Actually, I hate when women are like, “Chocolate is better than sex!” Is your name Cathy? Do you have a boyfriend named Irving? GET OUT OF MY FACE. Now, mashed potatoes…that’s another thing. I’d kill a man for some mashed potatoes. I would literally kill a man. I’d probably kill Colonel Sanders. I’d raise that motherfucker from the dead and then re-kill his ass. In fact, I’d love to kill any man involved with the Kentucky Fried Chicken regime, including the man known as Star Jones because I know he was a KFC stockholder at some point (or at least looked like one). I would like to send them all through a slaughterhouse while I take all of the lovely chickens out and we will enjoy big vats of mashed potatoes and have a dance party. It will RULE.
Another man I’d kill for some mashed potatoes is Tobey Maguire. I just don’t like the way that kid looks. He should donate his face to Down Syndrome research. While I’m at it, I’d kill Julia Stiles for a pack of Orbit gum. Seriously, have you seen Mona Lisa Smile? Well, I DID. IN THE THEATER. Ugh, I’ve said too much.